My Confession

I have something to confess. I have…a…day job. That’s right! I have a J-O-B and I have had it for years. In fact, it’s turned into a full-fledged career.

So, I know what this means. I’m not a real filmmaker and I have no right to be claiming I am an artist. I’m not suffering and starving. I am a failure. HA HA HA HA HA. I laugh at anyone who thinks that.

I balance two careers…well, three actually…no wait almost four. I have a career in corporate comms (video and written), I have a career as an editor (indie film and business-promotions), I have a career as a filmmaker, and I now I’ve started a career as a vlogger/blogger/podcaster.

How do I do all of these things without having a mental breakdown? Honestly, I’m not sure. There are days where I am completely overwhelmed and I think I cannot do this anymore. It’s too much. I can literally end up in a ball on the bed feeling like my head is going to implode from the pressure upon it. I cry. I sink into a mild depression. I feel like a failure because it all feels like more than I can handle. I consider whether or not a martini with olives is a food group.

Sometimes, I have to cut myself some slack and take a break from doing everything until I’m ready to go at it all again.

If I didn’t have a day job, I would be in the poor house and stressed out having to hustle for freelance work all the time and if I didn’t make films, I’d be in a deep depression and if I didn’t edit for other people, I would be missing out on so much creatively speaking and if I didn’t create the blog/vlog/podcast I wouldn’t be giving back to the world. None of them are optional for me. Every one of them matters. At any given time, any one of them can be what matters the most, but none are just a job or just a thing I do on the side.

So as much as I’d like to curl up with a cozy mystery and a tumbler of scotch, I keep going.

Someone asked me recently how do I do it all? Well, actually this person asked if I secretly cloned myself. (Wouldn’t that be nice?) The key is I prioritize and focus on the task at the top of the pile and don’t think about anything else until that task is completed. (The year Bob Fosse won an Emmy for Liza with a Z, a Tony for Pippin and an Academy Award for Cabaret (great film, 1973), he was asked how he manages to do so many things. He answered something along the lines of “I only concentrate on the task at hand; I don’t think of anything else.” I’ve always kept this in mind.)

How do I balance my time?

Well, obviously, my day job requires a substantial amount of time each week. I know this and I plan for it.

Then I plan around it.

I use vacation days to shoot films and record content. Sometimes, I even ask for some time off without pay so I can complete a longer shoot. I edit at night and on the weekends and when I’m not doing that, I write my scripts, plan my shoots work on my content for Indie Inclinations.

And occasionally, when it’s all too much, I take a break from the night and weekend work, and just enjoy my life. Spend time with my husband. Go to a show with a friend. Stare at a wall. (Wall staring is underrated, by the way.)

My even bigger confession is that much of the time I like my day job. Yes, it’s true. And sure, there are days when I’d like to throw it away and just be a filmmaker. There are days where I hate it. I’m not going to lie. Nothing is 100% perfect. But I know I can afford sushi and go out to dinner with friends pretty much whenever I want and that is a huge win. And, I can afford to make films.

Let me say it more clearly, if I didn’t have a day job, I would not have been able to make my latest micro budget feature. Yes, that’s right. Working a day job seems like it only takes away from your life as an artist because it takes up your time. True. However, it also gives you the ability to fund your own art. Okay, I am not making million dollar films, but then how many people are? Seriously, if I had $1,000 for every filmmaker I’ve heard say “I’m raising money for a one to two million (or more) dollar picture,” I’d personally have at least a million dollars myself. And, I have to say not one of the people I have heard say this, has ever raised that much.

Not one. And yet, they spend a ton of time trying to do so. Who is losing more time here? Many of them, after years of trying to raise the funds, have literally not made a feature film.

So take control of your life. Figure out a way to fund your own art. It doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t also get outside funding or be hired on and paid direct a film. I’ve achieved that as well. It just means day to day life is easier even when it is harder to be juggling it all and money will not be the thing holding you back.